We got married at the now defunct Huntington Townhouse in Huntington Long Island. One of my best friends actually got married there a few years before so I knew it was huge and gorgeous. My husband and I are both one of seven kids, which I took as a sign on our first date that I was supposed to marry him. We had tons of family to invite and ended up with over 550 people on our combined guest lists. I was limited to finding a wedding hall large enough to accommodate our guests - and in budget. I still have guests who like to complain that I made them drive from NJ all the way out to Long Island but there was no other location that gave me the crazy deal that I negotiated. They were also pretty mad that I made them go outside for my Chupah ceremony in cooler October weather but one look at that gazebo and I knew it was meant to be.
My dress was a $20,000 beaded lace Badgley Mishka that I scored at their sample sale for about $1,000. My mother didn't think it was modest enough so I paid for it myself. The girl ahead of me in line at the sale took my size 6 so I had to pay about $500 in alterations to take it in (mine was a bridal 8, which is about a 4/6) because I was teeny tiny back in the day. My waist was so small my husband could span it with his hands - you can actually almost see it in the last picture below. I did buy an extra yard of fabric from Badgley Mischka to build up the front which I kind of regret. The seamstress reshaped the neckline in the process and it never looked quite right to me. And my mom still thought it wasn't covered enough so I probably shouldn't have bothered anyway.
My veil was custom off eBay for about $50 - maybe less? My jewelry and hairpins were all inexpensive sample sale finds for $5-10 each. I don't remember the brand of my shoes but they too were sample sale scores for less than $50. They had a lower heel and blue soles. Maybe they were Nicole Miller? I lent them to a friend who got married after me and never got them back. That was back in the day before I really had an appreciation for designer shoes and if I were to do it again I probably would wear a similar dress, but I would totally redo my heel situation.
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| My Family |
The men were easy - I bought everyone $50 tuxedos at Moe Ginsburg when it went out of business. Cheaper than renting. My colors were pinks and purples - I actually purchased extra fabric at the Badgley Mishka sale and gave it to my bridesmaids with a sketch for a cocktail dress individually designed for each girl. I also found them a local seamstress who only charged $100 per dress so they wouldn't have to spend a fortune on something they might not wear again. I wish I had a picture of all the flower girls in their pink dresses - there were probably about a dozen nieces all decked out in the same (rented) dress. I'd like to think I wasn't Bridezilla (you're gonna have to ask my family and friends about that one) but I was just trying to do the best I could with a limited budget. I didn't grow up with money and even though my father had reached some level of success by the time I got married, I refused to break the bank for just one day. Looking back I'm pretty impressed with myself that I was able to pull it off.
Weddings are supposed to be the happiest day in your life but I have to be honest and say I don't think mine was. I've had many happier days both before and after that day. I remember feeling terrified. Cold feet maybe? I just pretended I was an actress and played the role of bride - and that's how I made it through the day. Once it was in motion there was no going back. I put on a smile and went on with the show.
I also feel bittersweet looking at these photos. This was one of the very few times in my life that I really felt thin and beautiful. Probably because the weeks before the wedding were so stressful that my dress ended up hanging on me. I think the straw that broke the camels back was when my Mother-in-law told me that I wouldn't have a wedding until my daughter got married. And as horrified as I was when I heard those words come out of her mouth, she wasn't entirely wrong. Weddings are about family. They're not just about you. But where she went wrong is that they are not about the mother of the groom.
A major life lesson I learned is that you can't tell anyone how to spend their money. I asked for a budget from both families contributing (we paid for some stuff ourselves too) so we could make our own choices. I was a 28 year old independent woman. At 23 I moved out of my parent's home into my cute NYC apartment and supported myself from that day forward. But we were lucky to have parents to help us, and I was lucky that my parents respected my right to make my own decisions. I scrimped and saved on areas that were not as important to me so I could have details that I really wanted. My flowers were minimal, I chose a hall that didn't need any additional decoration and had an inexpensive in-house caterer, had a limited bar, used the band that was somehow related to my husband's family, used an online printer for invitations, did my own makeup, let everyone choose their own outfits, etc. While my In-laws appreciated my thriftiness, and all the money that I saved, they refused to hire the photographer I loved and insisted we use the cheaper one they used a few years before. I remember offering to pay the difference myself and being shot down. And it honestly wasn't much more. And now 15 years later, I'm still disappointed. I'm disappointed that I didn't get the shots and creativity I wanted. I'm disappointed that I didn't fight harder for something that was so important to me. And I'm disappointed that I still don't have any wedding portraits because that unprofessional photographer would pretend to not be home every time we called or showed up at his house to collect. I'm honestly lucky to even have an album. It took me over three years to get it. He never gave us the digital images (and we're not gonna talk about how terrible my video was) so I'll probably never have any other wedding photos other than these. I just hope to remember whose wedding it is when my children get married.
I've always had an eye for photography so I made the best of a bad situation when I put this album together. At the time I was working in publishing so I had seen the magic an art director could do. I had a vision. I had it printed in a square format. I had some prints done in black and white. I chose the moments that told a story - not just the bland portraits of people posing for the camera. Not every photographer can do more than just take pictures. I had to be my own editor and in the end chose the story I wanted to tell.
Marriage is a choice, just like happiness is a choice. You have to choose to be happy and choose to stay married every single day. I got married because I did what I thought I was supposed to do. But I was pretty lucky and married a really nice guy - and we have three beautiful kids together. I'm still not sure how much we have in common (we are polar opposites in so many ways) but over the years he became one of my best friends. I know the way his brain works and often what he's gonna say before he says it. And who's to say that I wouldn't still be single if I didn't marry him? I have friends who are still single in their 40s. I choose to stay a part of this family we created together.
After 15+ years together, I can honestly say that marriage probably isn't for everyone. So many people sugarcoat it and you just don't know what to expect as a newlywed. For the first year of marriage my husband and I kept our separate apartments - and didn't see each other every night. It's a HUGE adjustment. There is a reason celebrities probably get divorced so easily every few years. If you have the means, and don't need anything from anyone, it's so easy to give up at the first sign of adversity. My advice to anyone single is decide what you really need (not just what you want) and that's what you should look for in a potential mate. And always remember to choose happiness.
XO
Michelle
